We held a series of seminars in early 2022 looking into why difficult conversations are often a bug bear for employers and line managers, but why it’s so important to have them with your workforce. The sessions were so popular we decided to lay out what we covered, here.
Why not just avoid difficult conversations?
They help build durable relationships and a strong sense of trust
Companies that hold these talks have a track record of surviving
They are often simply required when things in the company are changing and adapting
Why do we hate challenging conversations?
The brain tries to conserve energy. Difficult conversations consume energy because most people feel empathy or compassion for the other person
The brain needs to think of responses to rebuttals, anger, embarrassment, sadness - emotions that will often arise during these tricky conversations
Nearly all people also want to be liked so avoid confrontation. People are usually reluctant to open a difficult conversation out of fear of the consequences
Examples of scenarios that might bring about these conversations:
Performance concerns
Behaviour concerns
Personal hygiene issues
Remuneration
Staff moves
Redundancy/exits
Development
Status (promotion, demotion, job title, office, desk…)
Four practical steps to take when approaching a difficult conversation:
PREPARE
PLAN
PROCESS
POST
PREPARING: what to think about
Who is the right person to have the conversation?
What’s the purpose of the conversation?
What’s the right timing? Make sure all parties are available
Collect the facts
Anticipate the emotions in the room, and how to keep yourself in control
Inform your own manager and HR (who'll be able to check company policies)
Outline an action plan: what happens next
PLANNING: the logistics
Make sure the location is private, and face to face if possible
Allow sufficient time to have the conversation (you’re also likely to need time to recover afterwards)
How formal do you want the room layout to be?
Think through what you want to say, and how the other person may respond
What types of questions will you ask - open, closed, or probing
Think through what a successful conclusion looks like
PROCESS: Having the conversation
State your intention
Recognise & highlight positives
Seek your team member’s input
Ask questions
Listen carefully
Check the information/objectives are still correct
POST: After the conversation
Record what was discussed & agreed
Provide agreed follow up support
Have regular follow up progress meetings conversations
How to encourage a team culture of challenging conversations
Encourage having the conversations sooner rather than later
Remember that sometimes, you don’t have to be liked
There is a simple way to start: ‘I see that X and Y are happening – why is that?’ Let the other person do most of the talking
Frame the conversation in a way as to solve an issue rather than blame someone
Being as direct as you can be will usually resolve the situation
Remind leaders that the outcome is almost always better than they expect
Be available for practice
Dig a ditch when it’s not raining!
Examples of constructive feedback
Don’t say: ‘You came across as dominating’
Do say: ‘I appreciate your ideas. It’s a shame this time it didn’t go to plan. Let's discuss what didn’t work & how we can learn for the future’
Don’t say: ‘You were a loudmouth in the meeting’
Do say: ‘You may have got more of the information you needed if you had asked for opinions & comments’
Don’t say: ‘If you had listened this would have worked out’
Do say: ‘I value your ideas, and know you were excited to talk. It’s important to also give space to others so that we can learn from their ideas too’
Giving Feedback: hints & tips
Include praise as well as areas to improve
Focus on observable behaviour, not assumptions
Keep feedback factual and specific - it should be your own observations, not those of a third party
Use reinforcing feedback: acknowledge good practices & the positive
Developmental feedback: use to encourage a change or improvement in a situation or behaviours
Make sure it’s given in the right environment: in a space of trust
Provide recommendations & actions